Skip to main content

LOST RING: No, seriously, I can offer you wealth and power beyond your wildest dreams, if you’ll just return my Skúli Ring of Bewilderment.

LOST RING: If anyone runs into my Skúli Ring of Bewilderment, please return it to my office ASAP. You will be rewarded handsomely!

Announcing: Elite Memlens! @psyhigh @earlyclues

1 min read

Congratulations to our Elite Memlens! These are the students have drunk the most Memlen Elven Cola™ since it was first introduced on campus.


They can easily be identified by their exceptionally large heads, and/or gold/blue glow/pallor.


Or, in some cases, huge, bulging eyes, fuzzy donkey ears, and claws. 


Being an Elite Memlen also means being eligible for many special benefits, including but not limited to: unerring vision of the harsh inevitability of the future, epistemological indigestion, and transcendent gas buildup.


Wouldn’t you like to be a Memlen too? Become one of our Elite Memlen Brand Ambassadors. Drink more Memlen Elven Cola™ today! Right now!



Further to my discussion with the PSAU @psyhigh @earlyclues

2 min read

I'd like to thank the Psychic Student Activist Union for arranging our discussion today.

To follow up: I can assure you that Elven food is entirely different from Fairy food. Fairy Food is a known hazard, often trapping the unsuspecting consumer in a sparkling land of eternal spring, perhaps with houses made of meat and gardens of melting ice cream and pickles. 

Unlike Fairy food, Elven food is merely the traditional product of a charming native people, some of whom I have made arrangements with in order to help distribute their important cultural legacy. This agreement was entered into entirely freely by both parties, with only slight use of the Skúli Ring of Bewilderment, which I recently acquired in a poker game.

Also no, FDA approval is not required, as Memlen Elven Cola™ is "100%" "natural."

As the Memlen machines have proven to be such a big hit, I will be personally overseeing the Elves as they refill the machines throughout the day. I will be doing this on a palanquin, borne on the shoulders of my executive Elf management team.

And again, please don't speak to the Elves as they fulfill their duty. It only makes them more uppity.

Best,

Dean Hammer

And if you see “the little people” refilling the machines, don’t engage in conversation. It gives them the wrong idea.

Try Memlen Elven Cola™ in the morning! You can NEVER get enough! @psyhigh

With our Reality Generator Truancy Protocols, @FluVirus_, you may have a hard time knowing what "skipping" really looks like... @psyhigh

Psyhigh "Sucks Down" Memlen Elven Cola! @earlyclues @SteveBurnsAlive @psyhigh

2 min read


Dateline: Psychic High School

Psychic High School is exceptionally pleased to announce our new arrangement with MEMLEN ELVEN COLA®.

Through an exclusive non-non-exclusive arrangement with Memlen Elven Cola® (a Tri-Cities Corporation), Psychic High School is now offering Memlen Elven Cola® (exclusively) on campus as the "go-to" drink for all our students on the go!

During the "quote" "unquote" "Resistance Faire" perpetrated held this weekend by some of our most traitorous finest students, the psychic janitorial staff (under my personal supervision) was able to remove our current Kale Chip snack dispensers and Kombucha vending machines and god knows what and replace them all with handsome Memlen Elven Cola® soda pop machines. Now Memlen Elven Cola® is THE drink for Psyhigh!

I'm sure you're all aware of the problem of Psychic Obesity. There has been an upward trend for countless generations toward a morbidity in the psychic svelteness of our student body. As Dean, I want to do all I can to increase the firmness in the swelling bosoms of the minds of our students, with an eye toward the future.

Through corporate sponsors like MEMLEN ELVEN COLA®, Psychic High School is able to offer an antidote to this scourge, and at no additional cost to Psychic High School whatsoever! Any residual transactions between our two entities will be handled discretely through my personal off-shore §hadeCoin shell trading companies.

To celebrate this historic moment in Psyhigh history, celebrity spokesperson Steve Burns (@SteveBurnsAlive) will be appearing at noon in the Student Union to join us all in a toast to those wonderful, wonderful Elves who produce this amazing elixir.


Join me, won't you?

Dean Hammer, Dean, Psychic High School





Reflections on #Wisdom3dot2 Day Three @earlyclues @earlycluesIAO

5 min read



While I couldn't wait to further confer, converse, and otherwise hobnob with my brother and sister wizards here at Wisdom 3.2, my assistant and I had a show to put on. 

I awoke in the early afternoon. Somehow my assistant had slipped the bonds of his his Good Boy™ straitjacket, gnawed through the knots in the cords binding his legs, and picked the locks on the restraining spells I’d actually thought I’d done a good job on. I opened my eyes to find him perched above me, deciding whether to slit my throat with the complimentary letter opener from our room or smash my head in with the clock radio.

Mimicking the cry of the banshees that had ravished him the day before, I pulled the old Krayt Dragon Hunting Cry Trick, and he was soon reduced to a blubbering mass, cowering in the corner of the room, swatting at invisible pests crawling over his body. Mad as he may be, my lovable assistant is as predictable as he is temperamental. A dozen Dick Gried™ style Special Cricket Cheezadillas and he was once again in his semi-reasoning state. 

I opened up his wardrobe trunk and began to select an appropriate outfit for him. This is a ritual for us, and frankly one designed to draw him in. 

“The green polka dot shirt with the black suspenders?” I asked.

“IDIOT! YOU HAVE NO TASTE!”

“The red union suit and the denim vest?”

“ARE YOU INSANE? THESE ARE NOT THE STICKS WE ARE PLAYING!”

My assistant is not only a professional, he is an artist. Shaking his head and muttering under his breath, he picked out the perfect ensemble for our presentation. 

He is the best Ghost Rodeo Clown I've ever had the pleasure of working with.

While he dressed, I donned my own show gear - all white and rhinestones and embroidery - and grabbed the jeweled phurba, the diamond vajra, and an appropriate selection of prayer bells. 

Once in costume, my assistant transformed from increasingly unhinged maniac to cool-headed technician. We were - yet again - about to enter into a ring from which there was no guarantee of mortal escape. We would depend utterly on one another to make it through alive. Well, it would be mostly him depending on me, but you never really know.

I began the presentation as per the schedule - on the Libido Deck at the Unincorporated Eco-Villages of Thai Ornament. I knew full well there wouldn’t be enough room there, but herding the crowd out to the corrals adds great anticipation - a field trip in the midst of your presentation is a great way to wow them. So, after a short Prezi on the the historical context, it was time to move ‘em out to the corrals.

However, it was a bit more of a show than I had intended. Only a few of the audience fainted outright, but there was some amount of catatonia, and yes, unfortunately, some vomiting. Against my strict admonitions, my assistant had entered the corral in an attempt to “warm up” the banshees without my protective protocols in place. What had ensued was beyond sickening - a feeding frenzy of ravenous wraiths intent on nothing short of the eternal damnation of my assistant. Suspenders were stretched. His rubber nose became a hacky sack. His over-large boots were made a mockery. Bits of rainbow wig floated like chum in the spectral atmosphere.The howls of the banshees alone were enough to freeze the most hardened attendees in their tracks.

Taking the podium (safely outside the corral) I began an emergency ritual invocation to control the situation. I won’t go into the details here, but, as I employed techniques not usually considered safe for an uninitiated audience, there were some additional casualties. 

Before long, I had the banshees behaving. They separated into groups, and began the synchronized movements you’re used to seeing in these performances. My assistant was able to compose himself and - consummate professional that he is - passed out the flags and costumes with the LED lights to the ghosts, who paraded in complex and crowd-pleasing patterns when we turned down the lights. This brought the crowd back, and by the end we received a standing ovation. “All part of the show, folks!” I assured them.

With the banshees safely tamed, the crowd left to prepare for the "Theme" Social Mixer (Come Dressed as Your Favorite HR Representative), but my assistant and I needed to attend to the bottling of the banshees. In their now tamed state, they should make good parting gifts for the attendees. Hopefully we’ll make quick work of it, and I’ll have time to get back to rubbing elbows with these truly amazing people for one final night. And I believe enough of the fight has been taken out of my assistant that it may be safe to leave him at the Insect Buffet Bar somewhat unattended. 

It's been an amazing time, you wonderful, wonderful people. If I don't run into you tonight, see you all at the West Nile Decontamination Meet-Up in the morning!

Yours,

Dean Hammer, Dean, Psychic High School